Survivors guilt

Today is Memorial Day, and I would like to dedicate this entry to some of the people I know who have lost their lives in battle. I'm not talking about the men and women of the military. I'm talking about friends, and family members who have lost the battle due to illnesses, and birth defects. And this is also dedicated to my best friend Christopher "Chip" McFarlane.
All my life, I have been told how "lucky" I am to have beaten the odds that are given to a lot of children with Spina Bifida. And how grateful I should be that I am still here, and walking and married with a family. Don't get me wrong. All this is true, and I am indeed grateful. But at this time of year, my thoughts turn to the people who weren't so lucky. My fist experience losing someone who had the same birth defect as me, came when I was only 8. Gary Ashby, a boy in my Ward at church, died on the operating table. I remember being afraid to be near his paretns, for fear that they would be angry or sad that I was still alive. I found out later that the opposite was true. Then at 12, I lost my friend Stacie to cycstic fibrosis. We had just graduated 6th grade, and were on the way to Jr. High. I found out about her death at girl's camp.
But the one that hit me the hardest, was when I lost my best friend Chip in 1995. It was in May of that year, and it couldn't have been at a harder time. I had just found out that I was pregnant with my first child. And it was the same week as the Columbine disaster.
Chip and I had only seen each other a handful of times in his short life, but there was a bond there that only we could understand. Even long after his death, I still longed for a phone call from him telling me he was in the hospital, and to come see him. The pain diminshes as the years go by, but it never disappears. I still miss him every day. And May and September, (his birthday) are hard for me.
Yes I am lucky. Yes I have been blessed. But there is another side to it too. I have had to say goodbye to a lot of good close friends who weren't so lucky. I have had to look at their families go one without them, and then worry that they will be upset thatI am still here.I have gone to the hospital numerous times and have seen children who were WAY worse off than me, and then get up and WALK out of the waiting room in front of all of them.
Yes, being a survivor is a good badge to wear. But it also comes with a price.

I'm back!!!

So I was looking at my "friend" Jen's blog yesterday.  (Yes there is a story behind the quotation marks.  She really is one of my best friends.)  She has 2 wonderful children that i am totally in love with.  Zach has Cerebral Plasy, and her daughter Emily has an eye muscle condition.  This woman has struggled so hard in the last few years, and will probably continue to struggle.  And she is doing ot all as a single mother.  I have been a single parent, and it is NOT a picnic, but to have 2 children with special needs would totally overwhelm me.  

Anyway, since I have gotten to know her and her beautiful children better, I have realized how much I have to be thankful for.  

I have taken the liberty to borrow a concept from an e-mail that I have recieved many times.

I'm Thankful.

I am thankful to get out of bed every morning, because it reminds me that I can walk.  Something that is too easy to take for granted considering that many in my situation cannot.

I am thankful that my husband and kids annoy the crap out of me.   It means that we have beaten today's odds, and remained an "intact"  family.

I'm NOT thankful that I still have to make dinner every night, but I AM thankful that we have plenty of food, because a lot of people go without.

I am thankful for my children, and the noise and the mess that they bring, because when I was younger, I didn't know whether i would have kids or not.  

I am thankful for friends who call me when they need something, or just to talk.  It means that I have friends, and the I am valued and loved.

I am thankful for my family for the same reason.