random thoughts: He's GONE.....

random thoughts: He's GONE.....

He's GONE.....

Well, I knew eventually this day would come. I remember when Harry Nilsson died, Roy Orbison, Syd Barrett, and a host of other musicians that I loved. But I never thought this day would come so soon. Today, the world lost one of The Monkees. If you fail to see the impact that this has had on me, read the post a few pages back titled "Why The Monkees". While he was personally not my favorite, because of his attitude toward the whole experience, and basically biting the hand that fed him, to me he was ugly on the inside. However, the world has lost someone who was an integral part of the 60's. I'm still in shock that 1/4 of my favorite group is now gone.

Headache from HELL!!!!!

One month ago today, I started to feel what I thought was a sinus cold. So, of course, I treated it as I normally would. OTC meds, sinus sprays. Well, after few days, my boss (Who is also my older sister) mentioned that when I developed my last migraine 4 years ago we also at first thought it was sinuses. So I made a Dr. appt for the following week. BAD MISTAKE!!! In the time it took me to get to my doctor, I was in the throes of a full blown migraine. Here's where it gets ugly. My Dr. gave me a narcotic shot, and some codeine and sent me home. Well, the shot lasted about an hour. And the codeine not long after that. A couple of days after that, I decided to go into the Instacare. Of course, the pain got worse on the weekend! Luckily my doc was also at the Instacare that day. So they gave me another shot, and said to try some new meds. Well, nothing improved, and I was in so much pain by this time that my husband had to take FMLA time off to take care of me and the kids. Next day, Instacare again. The doc there just shook her head, and told me "Well, I can't give you any more narcotics. WHAT????? HELLO!!! She hooked me up to oxygen for a half hour, because "with some headaches, it helps." It didn't. I waited a couple more days. Mind you, I was missing work, spending all day in bed in a dark room unable to get up.
Finally 8 days later, I had had enough. I TOLD my husband he was taking me to the ER. Went to McKay Dee, was shifted to 2 different places, and right as we got in the second room, I passed out. Woke up to them poking needles in me, and a mask of oxygen on my face. Not my favorite.
After 6 hours, a CAT scan, spinal tap, and IV meds, they sent me home with a DIFFERENT combo of meds. And gave me an appt. with a Neurologist 10 days away!!!!!!
Over time, I managed to get better, get out of my bed, and back to life. I still have good days and bad, but I take it a few hours at a time. The easiest things still wear me out, and the pressure headaches won't go away. I have a meeting with a Neurologist tomorrow, so hopefully I will get some answers.

Listen to bandakaes Playlist

You can't judge a book.

I have some family members who have struggled with drug abuse and alcoholism, and I admit that I have been very judgemental, and less than Christian in my attitude about that. And I have been very angry toward people who have personally hurt ME because of it. Having had numerous surgeries, and health trials in my life, I developed a very "pious" attitude, because,, "It would be understandable if I were to abuse pain killers, but I don't understand how YOU can."

Recently, however, I have gone thorough one of the hardest trials with a migraine. NOTHING that was prescribed by a Dr. legally, has helped much. And I had one Dr. tell me she wouldn't prescribe anything else for me because she didn't want to give me too many narcotics. And I don';t even have a history of drug abuse. I admit that I have even "defied" my Dr.s orders by talking more than prescribed, or taking it a while before I am supposed to take the next dose. Simply because I just want SOMETHING to take the pain away. I have a new understanding for people who suffer chronic pain. After 2 weeks, I am at the point where I can't put a single thought or a sentence together, I forget things, (More than I normally do) and I am so emotional (Also more than normal!) , just because I want, no NO, NEED, the pain to STOP! I have a job, a household and 2 kids to take care of, and my husband and kids have been taking care of ME for almost 3 weeks.I now know that chronic pain is unbearable, and you just want it to stop. The brain does some really desperate things when it can't function properly with good sleep, and no pain. So this is my personal apology to anyone who I may have thought bad about in the past. I understand. And I am now in your shoes. Please think before you judge someone who seems to have a problem. You NEVER know what has gone on behind the scenes.

Recipe Exchange

I have decided that, since I am no good at keeping up a blog, I am going to start a recipe exchange. So, in fairness I will post the first one. This is a yummy meatloaf recipe that I found after I got married. WHen I was younger, I HATED meatloaf. (Sorry, mom) But this one is moist and yummy, and my kids LOVE it! :)

• 1 1/2 lb 85 % lean ground beef
• 1 package Stove Top Chicken flavored stuffing mix 6 oz
• 2 large eggs
• 1 cup Heinz Ketchup

PREPARATION

Just mix altogether and pat it down into a 8 x 8 glass bakeware dish/or a loaf pan. Then bake about 45 min in 350 degree oven

Yield: "231 grams"

NOTES : Nutritional info1/6 of recipe / 231 grams

419 calories19 g fat157 g Cholesterol1032 g Sodium35 g carbohydrates1 g Fiber3 g Sugar28 g Protein

Survivors guilt

Today is Memorial Day, and I would like to dedicate this entry to some of the people I know who have lost their lives in battle. I'm not talking about the men and women of the military. I'm talking about friends, and family members who have lost the battle due to illnesses, and birth defects. And this is also dedicated to my best friend Christopher "Chip" McFarlane.
All my life, I have been told how "lucky" I am to have beaten the odds that are given to a lot of children with Spina Bifida. And how grateful I should be that I am still here, and walking and married with a family. Don't get me wrong. All this is true, and I am indeed grateful. But at this time of year, my thoughts turn to the people who weren't so lucky. My fist experience losing someone who had the same birth defect as me, came when I was only 8. Gary Ashby, a boy in my Ward at church, died on the operating table. I remember being afraid to be near his paretns, for fear that they would be angry or sad that I was still alive. I found out later that the opposite was true. Then at 12, I lost my friend Stacie to cycstic fibrosis. We had just graduated 6th grade, and were on the way to Jr. High. I found out about her death at girl's camp.
But the one that hit me the hardest, was when I lost my best friend Chip in 1995. It was in May of that year, and it couldn't have been at a harder time. I had just found out that I was pregnant with my first child. And it was the same week as the Columbine disaster.
Chip and I had only seen each other a handful of times in his short life, but there was a bond there that only we could understand. Even long after his death, I still longed for a phone call from him telling me he was in the hospital, and to come see him. The pain diminshes as the years go by, but it never disappears. I still miss him every day. And May and September, (his birthday) are hard for me.
Yes I am lucky. Yes I have been blessed. But there is another side to it too. I have had to say goodbye to a lot of good close friends who weren't so lucky. I have had to look at their families go one without them, and then worry that they will be upset thatI am still here.I have gone to the hospital numerous times and have seen children who were WAY worse off than me, and then get up and WALK out of the waiting room in front of all of them.
Yes, being a survivor is a good badge to wear. But it also comes with a price.